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Domestic violence is VIOLENCE


Men need to talk about domestic violence and to know that it is NEVER okay to strike out.

Calling it ‘Domestic’ Violence almost seems to diminish the act. Just calling it ‘domestic’ makes it seem more like an intimate, private act. And the fact that it’s mostly done in private (and secret) makes it acceptable in some perpetrator’s eyes.


Many people who know me know that I facilitate Exploring Shame workshops, so I’m not looking to cause perpetrator’s to feel shame, partly because shame is one of the reasons why men strike out in the first place. And, certainly, feeling shame about being a perp is not going to help. But guilt, on the other hand, is another matter. Perps should definitely feel guilty about these actions.


I know that many men have been brought up with violence in their world (including violence in sport). They might have personally experienced it directly as a child or they might have seen their mother being beaten and come to believe that it’s natural to just lash out. But it’s not! It’s never okay. These men might not even realize that they have a choice. Every time you hit someone you are giving yourself permission to do that.


In many mens’ minds domestic violence has become normalized. “It’s just what you do!”. They believe that’s what the woman deserves, and that it’s his right to hit her. And not just hitting, but other violent behaviour, eg, hitting the wall directly behind her head; driving the car violently; etc.


I know personally how frustrating it can be sometimes in relationships. Arguments develop very quickly into anger. And, if a man feels anger he needs to do something with that energy. While the testosterone is roaring around his body he may not be in full control of his faculties/ he may ‘see red’ and become a metaphorical raging bull. But the fact is that the person in front of you is not your personal punching bag to vent your anger.


Because of the secret nature of domestic violence, people outside the relationship are often completely unaware of what’s happening. To my knowledge, men very rarely share what they’re doing with their mates. I can’t imagine them saying: “I beat up the missus last night…”. And that’s exactly why men need to be having this conversation.

So, men, let’s be proactive on this. Let’s talk about it with each other and also speak out in public. Domestic violence is never OK.

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Men need to talk about domestic violence and to know that it is NEVER okay to strike out.

Calling it ‘Domestic’ Violence almost seems to diminish the act. Just calling it ‘domestic’ makes it seem more like an intimate, private act. And the fact that it’s mostly done in private (and secret) makes it acceptable in some perpetrator’s eyes.

Many people who know me know that I facilitate Exploring Shame workshops, so I’m not looking to cause perpetrator’s to feel shame, partly because shame is one of the reasons why men strike out in the first place. And, certainly, feeling shame about being a perp is not going to help. But guilt, on the other hand, is another matter. Perps should definitely feel guilty about these actions.

I know that many men have been brought up with violence in their world (including violence in sport). They might have personally experienced it directly as a child or they might have seen their mother being beaten and come to believe that it’s natural to just lash out. But it’s not! It’s never okay. These men might not even realize that they have a choice. Every time you hit someone you are giving yourself permission to do that.

In many mens’ minds domestic violence has become normalized. “It’s just what you do!”. They believe that’s what the woman deserves, and that it’s his right to hit her. And not just hitting, but other violent behaviour, eg, hitting the wall directly behind her head; driving the car violently; etc.

I know personally how frustrating it can be sometimes in relationships. Arguments develop very quickly into anger. And, if a man feels anger he needs to do something with that energy. While the testosterone is roaring around his body he may not be in full control of his faculties/ he may ‘see red’ and become a metaphorical raging bull. But the fact is that the person in front of you is not your personal punching bag to vent your anger.

Because of the secret nature of of domestic violence, people outside the relationship are often completely unaware of what’s happening. To my knowledge, men very rarely share what they’re doing with their mates. I can’t imagine them saying: “I beat up the missus last night…”. And that’s exactly why men need to be having this conversation.

So, men, let’s be proactive on this. Let’s talk about it with each other and also speak out in public. Domestic violence is never OK.


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